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Age appropriate chores for children

I’ve recently had an interesting conversation with some parents and despite our different cultural background and our different parenting styles, most of us agreed on the fact that children need to do some chores. Some parents realized that they would ask less involvement from their sons than their daughters and this was the topic of another discussion I then wrote a post about (Why dads need to wash dishes and mums need to fix the plug… ). We all tried to make a list of the chores we would consider appropriate for several age groups. Interestingly, the flandersfamily sat up a very similar list already:

 

Bildschirmfoto 2014-06-28 um 22.02.21

I may add some chores my children do regularly like making their beds, tidying up, loading the dishwasher, setting the table etc.. Some of the chores in this chart are not necessarily daily tasks. I would ask my children to do them occasionally and some of them would figure under “special” tasks – which, in our family are “rewarded” either with some extra pocket money or an extra activity in the weekend.

 

Which chores do you ask your children to do on a regular basis?

Do you ask your sons and daughters to do the same chores?

Are chores for children an issue in your multicultural (extended) family?

 

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How to help frequently moving TCKs and expat children

Many books, articles and posts give advice about what people can expect when starting a frequent moving life as adult expats.  From an adult point of view, the benefits of a frequently moving lifestyle are the “priceless life experience, unique cultural insights and precious skills“. The excitement of a life full of changes and constant travels seems to prevail and I’m sure it’s what grown ups find the most attractive. All these positive aspects can have a cathartic effect on everyone on the move. But people needs to be aware of the long term side effects such a life can have on themselves and their children, in order to make the best out of this kind of life.

The phases of an expat life

An infographic about expats I lately discussed on this blog, points out that after a “honeymoon” phase of up to 6 weeks, expats (and TCKs and global nomads) go through a “culture shock” phase. This can be longer or shorter, depending on many factors: Is the new destination culturally similar to one we’ve experienced before? Is the language different or similar to one we already know? Will we learn the local language? Will we be able to adapt during our stay? Is the health care system meeting our needs? Do we and our family feel safe ? etc.. After this culture shock phase, that everyone experiences to some extent, we enter the “gradual adjustment” phase, which, again, depends on several factors and can take two or more years. – This applies to the “average” expat (unfortunately, the data on the infographic was not layed out; I’m still waiting for more details…).

It seems that these phases are linear and once you’ve passed one, you won’t experience it anymore; at least not in the place of your new location. I think it’s wrong. We can experience several “honeymoon” phases during one relocation, one for each aspect of our new life related to: the social environment, the location itself (countryside, city etc.), the community, the school (and its community) our children are attending, our job, the relationship with our partner etc. And the phases can overlap. We can be in a “honeymoon” phase regarding the new community but experiencing culture shock for our work life (job hunting is more difficult) and already be in the adjustment phase in what concerns our new location (we like it better than the one before and we already made some friends or accointances).

And one even more important aspect that is not illustrated or mentioned in this kind of infographic: every member of the family will go through these phases in his very personal way in his own pace. While we feel already adjusting, our children or partner might still be struggling with culture shock and other phases that can overlap. The fact that every member of the family gets to experience these phases in his very personal way makes it so difficult to understand each others mood, enthusiasm or grief.

A recent post, “Moving abroad? 7 things your child needs to hear you say“, gives several hints about how parents can help their children while moving abroad. I’m not going to list them all up, but the main message was to listen to our children, really “listen” to what they say and what they are not able to put into words. Empathy and patience is what our children need from parents during that period. Most parents are so busy organising a move and everything that’s related with it, that they don’t have the time and energy to sit down and listen to their children or observe them during the last months “in the old place” and the first ones in the new location.

Maintaining dialogue is key, especially with teenagers who could have a tendency to withdraw in their bedrooms.”

The grief of an expat child

One very important aspect pointed out in the post is that “moving abroad triggers a form of grief”. This expat grief does not only affect adults but also children. It is a myth that “children don’t grieve like adults”. Children might live more in the present than their parents and seem to cope very well after a loss, but assuming that grief in childhood is short-lived, is a major mistake. They don’t “exhibit the stigma of sadness or despair, but they grieve”, often in silent because they’ve learned to be resilient.

John Bowlby  who did pioneering work in attachment theory says that from 4 years onwards “children mourn in similar ways to adults”. This applies to every child that experiences a loss, the death of a family member or a friend, and it also applies to expat children and TCKs, who go through many kinds of losses during their nomadic life.

The impacts that unresolved grief can have on TCKs are very well known. According to Ruth Van Reken, unresolved grief is the most urgent mental health issue TCKs and expat children are facing on a long term. Ruth Van Reken writes, advocates and teaches about the psychological impact of an internationally mobile childhood.

“The issue is that transition always involves loss, no matter how good the next phase will be. Loss always engenders grief and the greater you have loved a situation or place or people, the greater the grief.”

“The layers of loss run deep:  Friends, community, pets.  Family, toys, language.  Weather, food, culture.  Loss of identity.  Loss of a place of comfort, stability, a safe and predictable world.  Home.”

Children on constant move lose the worlds they love, over and over again. They go through the stages of grief each time they move. And if they don’t take the time to grieve, they push it down, submerge it: but it surely will bubble up later in life, unexplained.

Children do grieve in another way than adults. They often don’t know how to express what they are feeling, they even don’t know what exactly is what they are feeling and just feel sad or “not well”. – The grief of children is often invisible. They are told they will adapt so they become resilient.  They are told they’ll get over missing that friend and they’ll get another pet, they’ll have a nicer room in the new house etc..

Unresolved grief “can result in behavioural problems ranging from anxiety, guilt, excessive anger to self-destructive patterns, substance abuse and school difficulties. Children may actually give up connecting with others. When they become adults and still haven’t solved their grief, they may face severe depression and/or relationships problems.” (ibidem)

(Re)patriation

When TCKs or expat children entry or re-entry their passport country to attend boarding schools or college, there are several aspects that can be difficult for them. Knowing them in advance, can help them (and their parents) to prevent several major problems.

In her post “Thoughts on entry from a third culture child“, Marilyn, a TCK (ATCK) herself, lists up 10 very important points childern or young adults needs to consider when (re-)entering the passport country – independently if they ever lived there before or not. From “realistic time expectations” regarding the period of adjustment in the new/old place, to the acceptance that as a TCK (or expat child) they’re a “combination of worlds”. It is crucial to recognize and understand  “culture shock”:

“(…) while reverse culture shock is described as “wearing contact lenses in the wrong eyes”, culture shock is having completely different lenses.”

We need to “give voice to a longing”. The portuguese word saudade expresses that feeling we all have to voice out when we have times of longing or wistfulness for what no longer exists – in this case, the life we had before (please check out my posts about this topic here and here).

“Understanding the shaping of our worldview” and realizing that our worldview differs from the one our siblings and parents have, “helps us to not expect or demand that others understand”. I particularly like what she says about “finding cultural brokers”. A cultural broker is that person that probably doesn’t share our background but understands what we’re going through.

“This personal interest helps us understand what friendship, listening, and cultural brokering look like. So learn from them. Look to them. But don’t put undue burdens on them.”

The need for time and place

I observe that many of my friends on constant moves, after 10, 15, 20 years of their nomad life, struggle. They get really tired and long for some continuity in their lives.

Even if “home” and “belonging” are very difficult to define and find for TCKs, it is crucial for everyone to find a place and its significance. TCKs have a disruption of place. Everyone has his own interpretation of the notion or concept of “home” and “belonging”.

The late Paul Tournier, a very gifted Swiss psychologist, says that “to be human is to need a place, to be rooted and attached to a place”.  We are “incarnate beings” and when those places are taken away, we suffer from a “disruption” of place. And if the “disruption goes beyond our ability to adapt it becomes a pathology”, a “deprivation of place“.

Many global movers consider all the places they’ve lived “a source of pride, of identity. They are – but losing those places has a deep impact on our lives. And if not worked through, the “deprivation of place” gives way to profound grief and struggles with identity”.

People who are on constant moves during their adulthood might not consider the moving as something negative. A part from the stress caused by all the organisational aspects and the readjusting, it is a very attractive lifestyle. They probably had a less mobile childhood or they don’t need to call a place their “home”. Maybe they don’t feel the longing for a place. Or they don’t realize that their constant urge to move and to “go on” is, intrinsically, a way to express their itch to settle down. I did write about my urge to change something in my life every three years and many TCKs did confirm that they experienced the same.

Children who grow up in this situation will most probably not have a place they can call “home”, but they will long for it. Some will long for it for their whole life. – In a discussion among TCKs I noticed that ATCKs try to avoid a nomadic life once they have children mostly because they want them to have a place to call home and because they need this for themselves too. Some are (desperately?) looking for a place that meets their needs: it has to be a place which englobes all the aspects of the experiences they made during their life. – It’s not an easy task. For some it’s a task for a lifetime.

Time is necessary to adjust. In the infographic mentioned above, expats need about 7 years (!) to “master” their new life abroad. But this is unrealistic for many of them. Many companies ask to relocate every 2-3 years and sometimes more often. If we consider that it takes 6 months to make everything work in the new location, during a 2 years stay, people have only one year to “adjust” (subtracting also the 6 months at the end of the stay, when people is busy preparing the next moving). This incredible short time does not allow families to adjust. Children who grow up with such frequent moves will feel alienated and lonely, and most probably struggle sooner or later with the consequences of unresolved grief. – They would definitively need more time in one place to get somehow “rooted”, to build friendships, relationships in general and to become more balanced. Of course, 2-3 years in the life of an adult feels much shorter than in the life of a child. It surely depends also on the age of the child when these moves happen. But when children start going to school and feel the need to belong to a group of peers, this time is too short. – Companies should be aware of this and reconsider their policies about relocation.

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The massive response from (A)TCKs and expats on a post about “TCK problems” where a mother describes anonymously the impact nomadic life had on her 14 year old daughter, made the author of the blog, Carole Hallett Mobbs, write a “Reaching out to help troubled TCKS“. – Many international schools are aware of the impact a nomadic life can have on children and young adults, but many of them still lack of a systematic and professional help for them and their families.

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©expatsincebirth; Varese

Christmas…: how to keep it simple

Maybe you spend your holiday season travelling from one family to the other or stay in one place or even at home. Here are some tips on how to reduce stress during these days and to keep everything simple(r):

1 Divide the tasks

If you have guests at Christmas you probably tend to feel responsible that everything is perfect and end up doing everything by yourself? And you get exhausted after a few days? Plan the busiest days in advance by dividing the tasks. Involve your guests, keep them busy.  One can help in the kitchen, the next one can fix the drawer, others can play with the kids or go for a walk… And if you are the guest: offer your help to the host.

2 Don’t bother about what others (could) expect from you

This is in addition to point one. If you have the impression that others might expect „more“ from you, take one step back and let them explain what they mean before getting anxious. It’s often a matter of perception. – And even if others do expect more than we want or can do: it’s their problem, not ours, right?

3 Relax

There is nothing more annoying than a host running around all the time, tidying up and not being able to sit down and relax. If you are the host, plan quiet moments and enjoy your visits. And if you are visiting, give the host the opportunity to rest, sit down and have a chat. By helping with the tasks, like mentioned in 1, you can contribute to a more relaxed and festive atmosphere.

4 Get some me-time

Every family has her own routines and habits. If a few families gather together, after a few days – sometimes even after a few hours – there can be some tensions… It is very important to take one step back every now and then and get some me-time. Twenty minutes can be enough, maybe you need an hour. Long walks or other kind of outings for small groups of like-minded persons in the group can be very beneficial.

5 Keep it simple

You don’t have to be better than last year, the year before or someone else in the family. It’s not a competition and perfection is an illusion. You don’t have to prove to anybody that you’re a good cook, mother, wife, daughter, friend etc. If you’re the host, you’re entitled to set the rules. Lower down the expectations and instead of getting stressed beforehand, organize some help, keep the menues simple(r) and don’t feel responsible for everything. And if you are the guest: try to be proactive and try to help the host. In the end, what we all want is to spend a peaceful and relaxing Christmas.

What to say to parents of a child with a disability

I just read a post by Tatu and thought that listing up a few things to say to a parent of a child with a disability would help a bit.

A while ago I wrote a blog about what to say to parents with twins because I am convinced that giving a positive advice about „what to say“ is more helpful than „what not to say“, as it gives you the chance to say the right thing.

I decided to follow a great article by a parent of a disabled child, to give some advices about what to say.

If you ever happen to be in a situation like the one described in Tatu’s post, it can happen that you feel uncomfortable and that you don’t know what to say.

If you are a stranger to the family, a friendly smile is great. Recognizing the family as real people is enough. But if you would like to know them better, or you’re already friend with the family who has a sick child or a child with disability, avoiding them is the worst thing you can do. As friends or family you should try to recognize them as parents who are experts about this child and avoid any kind of „good advices“.

Here are a few hints about what you could say.

1) For those who are close enough and feel that they have the right to know more, you can ask questions like: “I notice James isn’t talking/walking etc.?”

Usually, parents then would tell you about their child. Let them tell you as much as they want. If not, please don’t insist. They’re probably not comfortable talking about it yet. If they are, listen and learn and maybe ask questions that show them that you’re willing to learn.

2) „I don’t know much (or anything) about that, can you tell me more (or recommend something I should read)?“ This shows that you’re interested to get to know more about them and their situation.

3)  “What kind of toy would she/he enjoy playing with?” Every question concerning the character of the child and his likes, show that you consider him as a person.

4) You can also praise the parents for how they deal with their child by saying things like: “You sure understand his/her speech better than I do.”  “You know how to make him/her happy.”  “You’re doing a good job with him/her.”  “You do a good job balancing your attention  between him/her and the other kids.”

5) When you encounter the parents, try to find something positive to say about the child. „He/she gave me a beautiful smile“ or „I saw him/her climb up a step by himself/herself“

Please do realize that parents with children with disabilites hear negative things all the time. They’re always being told how their child does not meet developmental markers on time, so anything positive is heartwarming.

The best gift you can make to a parent of a disabled child is to show empathy. Listen to what they say and accept that they might tell you things that make you feel uncomfortable. You might not share the feelings they have, but they often need these feelings in order to cope with their situation. A comment like “That’s tough,” is appropriate for most of these situations.

And if you already know them better, you can also offer to help. You can offer to do some grocery shopping, any practical help is mostly welcome. Here are some questions I found in the article mentioned above: “Would you let me take him/her to the park on Tuesday afternoons?”  “Want some help getting the wheelchair into and out of the car when you go to therapy sessions? I’m always around in the mornings….”   “If you could use an extra hand going grocery shopping, let me know.”

Be very honest. If you would like to help but you don’t really know how, ask for a hint: “I’ve been trying to think how I could help–but I don’t know anything about [child’s condition/ parents’ situation].  What do you need most this coming week?  I’m free from one to three Tuesday through Friday.”

If you want to become friend of a family with a disabled child or keep your friends who have a disabled child etc., then use good words and be honest and open. Don’t be afraid to tell them your fears, they will probably be keen to give you helpful advices.