Most of the studies focus on children who spend a significant part of their developmental years outside their parents’ culture, i.e. overseas, mainly on different continents. But what about those who, like me, did “only” live in different countries on one continent?

During gatherings among TCKs and ATCKs in the last years here in Europe, I noticed that those who did lead a global life, having experienced life on different continents and those who did “only” live in different countries but on the same continent didn’t really have that much in common. Often those who didn’t live globally were intimidated by the exuberant and exotic life of the other group. – Many expat families raising TCKs here in Europe have a completely different lifestyle than the ones described in the mainly US literature about this topic.

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Let’s start with the definition Pollock and Van Reken gave about this group and which forms the base for many studies about the topic:

“A Third Culture Kid (TCK) is a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture. The TCK builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Although elements from each culture are assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background” (Pollock & Van Reken, 2009, p.13).

Pollock & Van Reken point out four main aspects which characterize Third Culture Kids:

a) their upgrowing outside of the parents’ culture

b) the fact that they build relationships to all of the cultures

c) the fact that this kind of children would “not have full ownership” in any of the cultures, “although elements from each culture are assimilated into the TCK’s life experience” and, last but not least,

d) that “the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background”.

Relationship with all the cultures

I think this is the main aspect of the definition of Third Culture Kids: that we build relationships to all the cultures we grow up in.

This also is fundamental for every Third Culture Adult (cfr. someone who did start the global or international life after age 18, i.e. left his or her passport country in adult life): wherever they end up living, they’ll pick up something from their host-countries and take it with them on their international journey. They will adopt certain values and habits that will form their “third” culture.

Full ownership…

This is the part that intrigues me in the definition. How can you measure ownership in a culture? Does this mean that you know all (?!) about values, habits, language(s) with all the dialects, regional variants, the history etc. and that you can identify with everything (?) or most of the aspects related with that country, ethnicities if you grow up in your passport country? Honestly, I don’t think that anyone can say that he has “full ownership” of his culture. This is simply impossible. Even people who grew up in one country, in the same city their parents, grandparents etc. grew up in would not consider themselves having “full ownership” in their culture (i.e. of the region they grew up in).

The sense of belonging for a TCK

I strongly agree that TCKs and ATCKs (as much as global nomads, expats etc.) discover the sense of belonging when they encounter others of a similar background. It is a huge relief, when we realize that there are others that don’t want to know where we come from, which language we like the most or what kind of cuisine we consider “the best” or where “the weather/job/healthcare system is the best”. When we don’t have to explain every step of our journey and still feel comfortable in a conversation about our life and ourselves.

All these aspects mentioned in the definition do apply to all sorts of TCKs, no matter if their international journey is global or continental.

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Why do some TCKs feel different?

Many expats here in Europe don’t consider themselves or their children who grow up abroad as Third Culture Kids. Even those who know the term and the concept behind it don’t feel that they “belong” to this group. Mostly due to the literature about this topic which is mainly from an American and strongly global point of view.

This made me realize that with this term people associate exclusively globally living families. I’ve heard comments like “I think I’m a TCK but I didn’t live in Africa or Asia… I only lived in Europe”. I did hesitate myself, when I first read about TCKs, saw infographics about this or tried to do tests called “You know you’re a TCK when…”.

Here are some typical questions of this kind of tests, which I consider really inaccurate (I only chose some of the assumptions, but there is a vaste number online about this topic):

* I add a "?" when I'm not sure every globally living TCK would agree (or disagree).

Some assumptions are very country specific: “You know there is no such thing as an international language”: in most countries English is the international language. It depends very much on which countries you live in and in which context. If sent by an international company, the chances are big that you’ll stay in an international environment and English will be the main language. “Rain on a tile patio – or a corrugated metal roof – is one of the most wonderful sounds in the world”,  “You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price”, ” Your wardrobe can only handle two seasons: wet and dry” and “Your high school memories include those days that school was cancelled due to tear gas, riots” really only apply to very specific countries.

Many assumptions are very American: “You go to Taco Bell and have to put five packets of hot sauce on your taco”, “You go to Pizza Hut or Wendy’s and you wonder why there’s no chili sauce”, “You won’t eat Uncle Ben’s rice because it doesn’t stick together”: these are examples of food preferences from an American point of view, an European would not consider. “You know the geography of the rest of the world, but you don’t know the geography of your own country” depends from the school you’re attending abroad. If it is an International school, chances are high that you’ll know more about your own country. “You don’t know whether to write the date as day/month/year, month/day/year, or some variation thereof” is something very American. In Europe, this is much more unified. “You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball” this doesn’t seem strange to a European and we would never put this on this kind of list. There were also some assumptions which I don’t consider TCK specific, like “You wince when people mispronounce foreign words”, this is something every multilingual does (but you don’t necessarily need to be a TCK for this!), “You have a time zone map next to your telephone” and “Your dorm room/apartment/living room looks like a museum with all the “exotic” things you have around”. This last one can happen also to people who travel a lot.

What are the main differences between traditional TCKs and European TCKs?

First, European TCKs did not leave the continent. Their conception of the world is still “huge”, they travel a lot too, but they’re not really considering an airport their home. Why? Because European TCKs or expats often take other means of transportation: the train, the car, the boat. Of course, the plane is a great solution for fast travels (business or emergencies) from one city to another. But when travelling to a countryside, the car is often more convenient.

Also, many European TCKs are simply European citizens who change country because of relocation by a European company or because of a new job in another EU country. Their motivation to lead an international life is different from the one of traditional TCKs.

European TCKs are very aware of the differences between the European cultures, even though they mainly share the same history, Europeans have a very diverse background. Moving from Portugal to Sweden can have a similar culture-shock effect like moving from Rio de Janeiro to Montréal.

I’m writing a study about European TCKs or expats who never lived outside of Europe and am collecting data about personal experiences, therefore this is also an invitation to send me your European TCK or expat stories. I will soon publish another post about more specific characteristics of European TCKs and you’re kindly invited to let me know your thoughts about this in the comments.

English: Rectified map: Languages of Europe Français : Carte rectifiée des langues d’Europe (Anglais) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The challenge consists in not buying anything new – with exception for essentials like food, hygiene and medicines.

People is invited to think about their consumption in an alternative way. We should ask ourselves „Do I really need it?“ and if we do, „can I get it second-hand, borrow it or rent it?“. Let’s think about the alternatives and about where all our stuff comes from, where it goes when we’re done and what the alternatives could be. Let’s discover how we can extend the life of our stuff by transforming, readapting, reusing it in another way.

It is not only about not buying anything new, it’s also about being critical of everything we already own. It’s about letting go our possessions that we don’t really need anymore, about being clutter free and trying out a lighter lifestyle.

How to get rid of clutter:

The Buy Nothing New Month is the chance to declutter your home, which will give you more freedom in your life. You’ll discover little things you really need in your daily life and in the end: how big your house is. Possessing less things means less time to tidy up or look after and more time to spend with family and friends. We all experience this during our vacations, when we perfectly live – and enjoy! – having less luggage.

When you start getting rid of your clutter, you can consider what items you could sell for good money: eBay, Gumtree, Marktplaats (Netherlands) etc. are places to sell your used items. You can also sell used electronics through sites like Gazelle.com and Apple recycling center. Or you can host a sale. – In the US yard sales are more common than in Europe, but why not organising something similar with friends or acquaintances? You’ll always find someone who is interested in the items you don’t really need anymore. – Especially families constantly on the move will appreciate this: not only they can give away the items they don’t want to pack into boxes, but while relocating in a new place, they can easily find items second hand (and get to know new people).

Material decluttering (in your house etc.) will remove your mental clutter too. Clearing your life of clutter is liberating, a real catharsis. Betsy and Warren Talbot are two experts and authors of a great guideline called Getting Rid of It.

What about Gifts?

When you make the effort to consume less, making gifts seems to be impossible in our consumer driven society. Many of us are convinced that giving and getting a lot equals esteem and appreciation.

Participating in Buy nothing New Month doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to make presents this month. It might be difficult at the beginning, to get friends and family members used to giving and getting less on special occasions. It’s also very difficult to get over the feeling of not giving enough, but I assure you, it gets easier and easier with time. It will feel awkward at first, but it’s a win win situation for everyone in the long run.

A recipe, something from your own garden (veggies, flowers etc.), time, these are all gifts that are appreciated by most of us. You can print out a recipe or give the ingredients for a dish you know the friend would like. You can put the ingredients for muffins, a cake or a soup etc. in a jar and offer it as a gift, or bring homemade jam, sauce etc. Offering vegetables or flowers from your own garden is also a great gesture. Or what about offering your time as a present? In my opinion, time, nowadays, is the biggest and most precious gift we can make.

You can find more inspirations about how to do start the Buy Nothing New Month, more ideas about gifts during this month and read something about Why we buy and how Getting Rid of It (You’ll probably find these books in your local library!)

“If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy” (unknown)

You can also get inspired by this TEDx talk from Graham Hill about “When less is more”, where he suggests three approaches:

1)    Edit ruthlessly and “clear the arteries of our lives” (3:06); to think before we buy.

2)    Think small: wanting space sufficiency. cfr. things that nest, stack and digitize.

3)    Make multifuncional spaces and housewares.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8YJtvHGeUU]

***

So, if you want to get rid of your affluenza (see about it here or here) try one month of not buying anything new, get some tips here and enjoy the difference.

You’ll save money, preserve resources, eliminate waste, manage time and live more simply. – If you manage to buy nothing new for a month, you will probably try to do the same for more weeks, months, maybe years. It’s a challenge at the beginning, but it’s really not difficult.

Would you like to join in? – I’ve done it last year in October, this year in January and February and know that it’s really worth it. – Good luck!

For all those of you who live in the Netherlands, please check this site if you want to “give-and-swap”.

Please find an interview with me on DutchbuzZ.nl (9 October 2013) about this topic.

Related articles

• October is “Buy Nothing New Month” – Join me! Are you up for the challenge? (recycledinteriors.org)

In “Global Mom: Eight Countries, Sixteen Addresses, Five Languages, One Family“, Melissa Dalton-Bradford takes us on a gripping journey through the global life of her family. Written in a compelling and eloquent style, this book is about the twenty year long adventure of Melissa Dalton-Bradford’s family in Oslo, Versailles, New Jersey, Paris, Munich, Singapore and Geneva.

Starting from her Parisian apartment, the author introduces the massive Norwegian farm table which is not only the constant companion during their movings, but serves as anchor of the family and their friends. It is the pivot around which their lives revolve vertiginously: “our table is the heart of our home” (p.12).

Melissa Dalton-Bradford invites us “to sit and look out my back window, the Jura mountains of France on this side of the house, the Swiss Alps out the other, and I’ll take you as far as my words can manage: to a few special spots far beyond these mountains, to places and people my family and I know well and love much” (p.15).

(© by Luc William Bradford)

She takes us back to the years the Dalton-Bradford family spent in Norway (chapters 2 to 8) to continue the narrative about France in the chapters 9 to 18. Chapter 19 represents the turning point in this Memoir before the life takes the family to Munich (chapters 20-21), Singapore (chapters 22-23) and Geneva (chapters 24-25), concluding with chapter 26, called In medias res (i.e. “into the middle of things”) where everything coalesces.

Melissa Dalton-Bradford eloquently describes how she experienced, adopted and absorbed the different cultures at first hand and how she managed over and over again to “nose-dive” indefatigably into her many different cultural homes.

She emphasises several aspects of the different languages she managed to all speak perfectly (!) and shares with us some little faux pas and glitches with refreshing honesty and humility. I particularly liked the one about BCG and BCBG (the former being a vaccine and the latter the abbreviation for bon chic bon genre, see chapter 13 La langue, p.142-143) and her talk with her youngest son Luc : “Then I told my youngest boy, the one born in France, the one whose name is French, this last child I raise on the road with all its bumps and potholes and language barriers, I told him story after story after painful and mortifying story of my own history of language panic” (p.286).

She shares her initial reluctance towards the Norwegian daycare barnepark and illustrates terms like Janteloven and Julestemning. She also gives insight into the Norwegian law about name-giving (chapter 7 Vi er Norske). We assist Melissa Dalton-Bradford succeeding and “fully awakening” (p.89) professionally in Norway and finding her way back on stage (like she used to do in New York before!). She became artistic director, choreographer etc. before packing again and move to France…

(© Global Mom: A Memoir’s photo: Blakstad barnepark)

The reader feels with her when she leaves “her” Norway to move to Versailles, the vieille France. A move that felt to her like going from “Eden to the world” (p. 96; in the video here below 1:10 ssg “it’s like Birkenstock sandals to the tightest high heels you have ever worn”). She openheartedly describes her experience with the French school system, the cuisine, the langue and generally with the French way of life; how she learned about being bien chaussée and that the attention to beauty and aesthetics are the values that drive French culture. She also compares the medical systems in Norway and France and points out the difference about giving birth in those two countries, admitting that, for her, “Norway had set the standard for giving birth” (p.151).

After the events on 9/11, her family has to return to the US (chapter 15 Encore!), to the “bucolic, historic swath of Americana with two-hundred-year-old farmhouses and snaking stone walls surrounding horse farms and apple orchards, a place known (…) for its Blue Ribbon schools and Blue Ribbon beer” (p.159). The author vividly depicts the reverse culture shock her family experienced – “We felt strangely alien, unable to share a great part of ourselves with others. (…) Feeling alien in what’s supposed to be your home country? I knew less about being a soccer mom than I did about buying fresh produce from loud vendors in an open market, less about American sports teams than about Norwegian arctic explorers, less about my native country than I did about ones that, in the end, no one seemed to want to hear much about.” (S. 162) – speaking to the heart of every Third Culture Kid, Global nomad or expat experiencing repatriation.

But the repatriation to the US is transient. The Dalton-Bradford family returns to Paris (cfr. chapter 15) and re-dives for the second time into the French life, picking up the strings from the introducory chapter. – This time, the adjustment seems smoother. – But the author faces difficult moments and describes her need to recover. With the description of those weak moments, Melissa Dalton-Bradford unveils that a global life is not a bed of roses, it is demanding and can be very excruciating.

The turning point

The deepest turning point in the life of the Dalton-Bradford family is marked by the tragic death of the firstborn, Parker. From chapter 19 onwards, we assist the author on her incredibly painful path towards the “life after”, or like she describes it: “leaving behind the before and entering the after“. We participate in her traumatic experience and comprehend her emotions in this “strange and barren continent of grief”, like she perceives the world after the loss of her son.

(© 2010 by Rob Inderrieden: Parker’s bench and © Parker by Luc William Bradford)

But nomad life goes on…

The time in Munich is depicted a bit less colourful than the life before and the reader senses that the traumatic loss has profoundly changed the whole family. Going on with life after becomes incredibly painful and alienates from everything. And this mourning family needs a very special place where they can grieve in peace:

(© 2010 by Rob Inderrieden; Parker’s bench next to a tributary of the Isar river in Munich)

After Munich, we follow the family to Singapore and eventually Geneva. It is fascinating how the author describes her observations and experiences with uncanny accuracy and empathy. The difference of life in Singapore intrigues her and she observes every detail: how people behave in public transport or whilst buying things etc.: “In Europe I learned to be circumspect. Here, I learned to be microscopic” (p.245).

? ? ? ? ? ?

“Global Mom”  is much more than a story about a “globe-trotting lady with kids”, it’s about “falling in love with many cultures”, it is the multi-colored part of it. But it is also a Memoir and a his-story, a way to commemorate Parkers’ life: “The little boy from Blakstad barnepark, the one from the Versailles Club du Basket, the drummer from the Pont des Arts, the same one all his French buddies called “Par Coeur” or “by heart” – he continues. His nature, like his story, is eternal and can do nothing but continue” (p.293).

“Of all the borders I’ve crossed, of all the addresses I’ve inhabited and of all the lands I’ve been priviledged to call my home, there’s but one terrain that’s defined me more than any other: that is the land of loss” (p.292).

But this book is more than a Memoir. It is a also a guidebook with precious and detailed insights about life and culture, for all those who already lead or are considering to start a global life or are simply fascinated by it.

“Those who move, dig in deeply, move again, and take a healthy layer of the last soil with them, (…) need some assistance in adjusting (…) planting in new soil…” (S. 132).

(© by Luc William Bradford)

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[vimeo 74399962]

(by Michelle Lehnhardt)

Melissa Dalton-Bradford’s website:

http://melissadaltonbradford.wordpress.com/

“Global Mom” is also available as audible audio edition

Interviews with Melissa Dalton-Bradford:

http://www.mormonwomen.com/2013/09/17/global-mom/

Latest Interview with Melissa Dalton-Bradford on kutv.com

Related articles

• Good reads and sites about “Third Culture Kids” (expatsincebirth.com)
• Revealing Interview: Mormon Women Project Talks With Global Mom, Part 1 (melissadaltonbradford.wordpress.com)
• How to cope with repatriation (expatsincebirth.com)
• Global Mom: A Memoir – Book Trailer (melissadaltonbradford.wordpress.com)