If we ask “How was school today?”, “How did you like the film/play?”, “How was your work today?” we usually get short answers like “good/fine/ok” which doesn’t really tell a lot. Sometimes the intonation of the answer helps us to find out the nuance of what the respondent means, but we can avoid the guessing-game by using the right questions.

In her article “25 ways to ask your kids ‘So how was school today?’ without asking them ‘So how was school today?’“, and the follow up post “28 ways to ask your teens ‘How was school today?’ without asking them ‘How was school today?’” Liz Evans gives many great examples of engaging questions to ask our children – but these questions can also be used for engaging with our partners, friends, collegues.

What they all have in common is that they are open questions. – When we ask questions about school, work, training etc. what we really need to do is to engage in a conversation with our children, friends or partners.

Questions like “How was your school/day today?” or “Did you have a nice day at school/work?” can be answered by a single word or a short phrase. The same applies to questions like “How old are you?”, “Where do you live?” etc. These are closed questions: they are easy and quick to answer and the control of the conversation stays with the questioner.

If we use open questions, not only we get longer answers, but we hand the control of the conversation to the respondent. We want our respondent to reflect and think, and he will (most probably) tell us his feelings and opinions.

  In English, open questions begin with what, why, how, describe etc.   What did you like the most at school/at work etc. today?   How did you keep focused on that task?   Describe what this topic means.   Why do you think this task was difficult? The 3:1 formula

During a conversation a great balance is asking three closed questions and one open question. With closed questions we start the conversation and summarize the progress, whereas open questions give us the opportunity to get the other person thinking and continuing to give us useful information.

If we master the art of using the right questions, we’ll most probably manage to get our respondents to ask us open questions too, which will give us floor to talk more about what we want. How? By intriguing them with an incomplete story or benefit.

But it’s not all in the question

One of the common mistakes is to ask questions at a wrong moment, for example when our children just walk out the schoolgate or are busy doing something else, when our partners just come home from work etc..

Most of us need some time to unwind and re-order their thoughts before we are really ready to tell more about our day and engage in a conversation about it. – Some of us can do this on our way home, others need a bit more time.

No matter if we want to know how the school day was or how the meeting went, it is always advisable to create a pleasant context, either sharing a meal or while doing an activity together: cooking, doing craftworks, playing a game, going for a walk or a run etc..

Finding the right moment requires empathy and flexibility: our children will most likely be the most loquatious when we’re busy with something else, when it’s bed time or time to leave etc. It’s not always possible to pause and give our full attention. Therefore it may be a good idea to arrange fix moments during the day where everyone has the time to share and is ready to give each other his or her full attention.

I just read an interesting article on iamexpat.nl “It is all about resiliency: Communication” by Mary Jane Roy, about how conflicts are caused by ineffective communication. This ineffective communication “leads to stress, usually for both sides (…) and they often lead to long term grudges as well which are hugely toxic to us physically, mentally and emotionally”. This article is about communication among adults, but I think the tips given are universal and can be applied also for communications among parents and their children, teachers and children etc.

A good communication is always the result of a good balance between communicating what we want to say and listening, hearing what the other person needs.

We probably all assume that we know how to communicate: “we know how to speak, write and read. But do we really know how to listen?”

With this question, Mary Jane Roy made me think about me and my children during those moments when we’re in a hurry or all talking together during meals and we adults try to give everyone a fair chance to speak. With three very chatty children I often wonder if they really did say all they wanted to say, and if we did really listen carefully.

In her article, Mary Jane Roy says that all is related to how our brains function:

“We carry our own baggage into conversations. Our past experiences, needs, values, language, self-image, beliefs, prejudices, attitudes, wants, fears, mind-sets all influence what we hear and how we interpret what we hear. It’s a long list. Our brain filters the information it receives based on all of these factors. We think we know what the other person says and means but we can never, ever truly stand in their shoes. Your reality won’t be, can’t be, their reality.”

We all had probably this experience with our children or during meetings at work, when we tend to formulate the answers in our head while the other person is still speaking: “there are constant barrage of thoughts or judgments. We can’t wait for the other person to stop talking so we can make our point.”

Personally, I call this the “stress-to-answer-straightaway-syndrome”. I observed it many times during meetings and realize that I do this with my children too. We often don’t take the time to listen carefully and to wait until the other one finished to speak. Especially when the conversation is among more than one person and we know that we have a very short time to answer, or we absolutely want to tell our point of view etc.

During conversations with children there are some more factors to consider: children expect to be heard and often need to tell straightaway what they think, otherwise they forget what they wanted to say or ask and get upset.

Mary Jane Roy uses a very nice metaphore to describe how to communicate effectively:

“Really effective communication is like a couple dancing in total harmony with each other. It can be learned. But it takes a lot of practice. And we’ll make a lot of mistakes before we master it.”

And then she gives a great advice: breathing. Yes, breathing. When in the middle of a conversation we feel the urge to find an answer, we should slow down, take a deep breath. This is supposed to “open up a gap between a stimulus (what someone said or did) and our response”.

Why we should do this? In order to give our brain the possibility to think logically and creatively. I know that many mum’s and dad’s have to think and take (action!) in highly emotional moments (and moments of fear and anger). How could we possibly apply this in our daily life with children? We can’t just avoid conflicts. They are there, every day. With our collegues, friends, children, partners.

Mary Jane Roy suggests Marshall Rosenberg’s method called “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication”. This method teaches to connect compassionately with ourselves and with others. It reminds me the empathy that parents should show to their children in the Love & Logic method.

In my experience, empathy always helps to have good conversations with our children. When we engage a conversation with them, we should forget time and all the other things we’re supposed to do (and say) and just listen. If we manage to put ourselves inside the shoes of our youngsters and see the world through their eyes, our conversation will be much richer and interesting for both parts. We don’t have to agree with everything they say, but we will probably be prone to ask them to explain their point of views. Especially when we disagree, when we are upset (for whatever reason) or disappointed in our children, empathy matters the most.

The communication with our children shouldn’t just be “speaking“ to them, giving them orders, asking them to do something etc. but listening, understanding and validating what they are attempting to say. We shouldn’t interrupt them or tell them how they should be feeling, and avoid words like never and always in a demeaning way.

And quoting some conflicts listed by Mary Jane Roy’s at the beginning of her article, I would recommend to slow down and listen empathetically when:

• you feel that you’re mind-reading your child, assuming you know what your child means.
• you create fiction for yourself from something your child said.
• you jump in, offering your “two cents worth“, not knowing the whole story and ending up with the proverbial foot in mouth…

Summing it up, during our conversation with our children, the aim should be: not to jump to conclusions, not to guess or mind-read what the other person is saying, but to ask for clarity, slow down our own pace and… enjoy the listening!

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff. (Catherine M. Wallace)

Related articles

• The more you know a person, the harder empathy is. The more you have studied psychology, the harder empathy really is. (beyondmeds.com)
• The importance of therapy, play and empathy (creativityfromwithin.wordpress.com)
• Empathy (patinspire.org)
• Tips to Encourage and Foster Empathy in Children (benspark.com)