Every person that has spent some time abroad has probably made this experience. It can either be during a vacation or during a long(er) stay in another country.

Someone just says something judgmental about our culture, our nationality, the way we look or dress, the way we speak or the way we do things, and we feel obliged to defend it. It doesn’t even have to be our own culture, it can also be a culture we’re familiar with, that we adopted or we simply embraced for whatever reason.

These observations are often done by people who are not aware of hurting our feelings but still, how can we deal with this and react – or not react – to this kind of small attacks to what we consider “ours” ?

We may feel protective as if they attacked or judged us, our children, our way of life or something we really care about.

I personally react differently to these comments when I am alone than when I am with my children and family. When I am alone, I tend to not take it personally and ignore the comments: if the person is not a friend, colleague or anyone that I have to live or work with, it’s easy to forget the incident.

If the person is someone I have to deal with on a regular basis, depending on the comment, I would reduce contacts with her or him to a minimum, for the simple reason that I don’t want to have to deal with people who are not flexible and understanding every day.

Before starting to explore why the person makes these comments I would try to find out if she is flexible enough to accept other perspectives or not. If not, there is no argument that will make her consider other points of view. It would be a waste of time and energy to try to make her understand (see my strategy n.5 here below). As an intercultural communication trainer I know how much people who express their bias can ruin a conversation and a relationship.

If my children, family or friends are involved, and are in any way affected by the comments, usually speak up and try to understand what makes the person say what she said, no matter if she is judging one of my cultures or any another one.

Here are the 4 ways I react to negative comments about culture (and anything else):

1) First of all I ask the person to repeat what she just said. In most of the cases judgmental comments are spontaneous and when they have to be repeated they lose their initial harshness.

2) I reformulate with my own words what the person just said like “so, what you’re saying is that…”. By reformulating what the other person said, we give her the opportunity to correct the wording and change perspective. Maybe she chose an unfortunate formulation and didn’t intend to be judgmental. – If her intention was to be judgmental, we can decide to whether explore the issue further (if we want) or simply acknowledge that we have different point of views.

3) I ask the person to explain what makes her say that– without pointing out that I perceived it as negative. Maybe she isn’t aware that her comment could be interpreted as negative, or she had a negative experience which lead her to making that comment. – Again, it’s up to us to decide how and if we want to discuss this.

4) Ignore it. This is the wisest way to deal with this. By not taking the comment into consideration, we can avoid any kind of discussion about it. Especially if we think that any kind of reasonable discussion with this person is a waste of time. – I follow the Bavarian way of “nedemal ignoriern”, but in a friendly way, after all, it is never good to add fuel to the fire.

Most of the time, people who make negative comments about another culture (or person) are very insecure and not content. They are probably struggling with accepting the difference and the “otherness” of the situation, the way things are done, or look like.

If their negative comment is the expression of their surprise or them being uncomfortable, we can help them make sense of the different situation or habit, by bridging between something they know and the “new” and “unusual” one, and by explaining them why things are said, done in another way etc.

If their negative comment is a way for them to signalize that they are offended, we can reassure them that they don’t need to like the “other”, and that they are allowed to have their own opinion. But if they are offending us or our dear ones, we want to make this clear to them in a friendly tone.

The most important aspect of dealing with negative comments in any situation is to take a step back, not take it personally, draw a very clear line.

How do you deal with negative comments? Please let me know here below

© Positive aspects of being a TCK by Tayo Rockson

You may notice that in the alphabet the letters K, Q, U, X and Y are missing. I was tempted to fill the gap and the first things that came into my mind were keen, qualified, unique and youthful (I’m still looking for an appropriate “x” word, unless you accept “x-cultural” for “cross-cultural”…).

TCKs are keen to discover new cultures, languages, habits and qualified for an international life. TCKs know what it is like to move cultures and countries, what to expect and how to navigate an international life. All the TCKs and ATCKs I know are very youthful. They’re usually flexible in many ways, very adaptable and all in all unique. Of course, we are all “unique”, but for people growing up in the same place, sharing the same experiences (and memories) is easier than for people who move frequently around the globe. TCKs share the experience of an international life, but they usually move to different places: it’s more likely that they share only a part of their experience abroad with other TCKs.

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qualified to know what it is like to move cultures and countries – See more at: http://www.relocationafrica.com/articles/understanding-third-culture-kids-tcks#sthash.fGoGih9p.dpuf

qualified to know what it is like to move cultures and countries – See more at: http://www.relocationafrica.com/articles/understanding-third-culture-kids-tcks#sthash.fGoGih9p.dpuf

qualified to know what it is like to move cultures and countries – See more at: http://www.relocationafrica.com/articles/understanding-third-culture-kids-tcks#sthash.fGoGih9p.dpuf

This infographic is made by Tayo Rockson, author, podcaster, and digital marketing expert.

Tayo Rockson has long focused on helping people better themselves. As a Third Culture Kid, or a child who grew up in a different culture from both parents, he learned how to cope with many issues that other Third Culture Kids struggle with. As a global nomad, Rockson has lived in Vietnam, Sweden, and Nigeria, and now he resides in New York. He is working to make a difference in the world by sharing his experiences and wisdom with others. His vivacious personality and uplifting positive outlook set the stage for Tayo Rockson to be an international motivational figure. He is the author of “The Ultimate Guide To TCK Living. Understanding the World around you”, a free book you can download here. In this book TCKs and Global Nomads can learn about their areas of strenghs, fitting in, how they can thrive in the workplace, become global leaders etc.

Today he launches a very exciting new podcast series, As Told By Nomads, which features discussions about growing up in multicultural environments, getting jobs outside the country of origin, global leadership, and much more. In these podcasts he focuses on inspiring others to overcome the challenges that come with experiencing different cultures. He discusses ways to turn even the most difficult situations into positive life experiences while growing up in a new culture, as well as cover more challenging aspects of living in a new cultural environment.

As Told By Nomads includes stories, advice, and inspiration for dating as a global nomad and Third Culture Kid, as well as how to succeed in school, careers, and even entrepreneurship. – You may subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes here at http://bit.ly/1vmD3Fu; Stitcher here at http://bit.ly/1q5ldFm; or tunein here at http://bit.ly/1ohPzQZ

Tayo just released a brilliant video about this infographic!

©TayoRockson

Born in Nigeria and raised throughout Africa, Europe, North America and Asia, Tayo’s upbringing as a global nomad and Third Culture Kid gave him a unique perspective on life and he has remained committed to building the next set of global leaders. To read more about Tayo and find out about his podcast and books, visit his blog at www.tayorockson.com, like his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

He talks about what “home”  means for a TCK, who “adopts fragments of every culture” and make them his own.

James R. Mitchell highlightens the important and sometimes painful aspects of transitioning for TCK’s, based on his own experiences. He describes the huge adaptability and mobility of TCK’s, their “ability to have an incredibly detailed understanding of new and unique cultures” (p.16) and why adaptation is their “most desirable quality” (p.17), that makes them into “creatures of culture” (p.18).

He also discusses why the definition of TCK should be more diversified because of many different kinds of TCK’s existing nowadays.

If you are a TCK, a parent of a TCK or an ATCK, The Illusive Home will resonate to you.

Growing up as a Third Culture Kid can be terrifying, but it is also rewarding and exciting: “In my eyes, despite how broken parts of my life have become, being raised in the places I’ve lived and having taken in so many cultures is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me” (p.13).

A few days ago, James R. Mitchener did publish a great post about the definition of TCK’s, called “Defining a Third Culture Kid” on his site “Third Culture Kid Life“: a must read for every TCK!

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FYI: The common definition by David C. Pollock of a “Third Culture Kid”:

A Third Culture Kid (TCK) is a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture. The TCK frequently builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Although elements from each culture may be assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background. (David C. Pollock)

But please read James R. Mitcheners detailed definition of TCK’s in “Defining a Third Culture Kid” (cfr. above)

The feout season is the season when we would like our children to experience those memorable moments we experienced in our childhood. When we visit the places we’ve lived in, we would like our children to understand how life was then, how we felt and what our experiences were.

I remember that my parents did the same with my sister and me: they showed us the places they used to live in Germany and Belgium and told us about their memories and experiences there, (before moving to Italy, where we grew up). Well, they were just “stories” for us. We couldn’t really picture them doing the things they told us and not really understand what they felt. – What I recall and really cherish today, are the things we did, we experienced together.

MaDonna mentions that sometimes she would like „to make up for all the losses (her children) have because of the decision (she) made years ago (…) to live overseas“, well, I understand this feeling. But I’m pretty sure that our children don’t feel the same way. How can you feel a loss of something you haven’t had?  – Maybe we, as parents do, but that’s our problem, not our childrens’. And I don’t really think that our children miss out something because they don’t have the opportunity to experience the same magic moments we experienced at some point of our life. They have their own magic moments and experiences and they will have other memories than ours, and that’s fine. And this doesn’t apply to TCK’s only, but also to children who grow up in the same country, maybe the same city or street, their parents did. It’s life.

When we raise TCK’s, we can only give our children the chance to experience some aspects of the cultures we used to live in and they don’t experience in their daily life by visiting those places or by celebrating festivities we cherish. By naturally integrating  part of these cultures into our daily life, we can build memories about what we would like our children to share with us. But we shouldn’t expect our children to like the same things we used to like.

I remember that my parents wanted me to appreciate some things in Germany, they really tried hard. Some things I still remember and can relate to, some others I disliked or forgot. For example, I still remember my grandma baking wonderful cakes (she was a baker), I remember the smell when I walked into her kitchen and I remember how she would spend hours and hours making jam, sirup etc. and telling me all about food. I remember how my German family used to celebrate the festivities and how different it was in Italy.

When I visit the places of my memories with my children, I tell them stories. It’s like describing a painting without seeing it. Everyone will picture another painting, with other colours, shapes etc.: this doesn’t matter. What matters is to share the moment.

When we raise our children in another country (or city) than we used to live or grew up, we have to realise that our children, one day, will have the same feelings toward the place(s) they grow up right now. Later, they will probably be telling their children what they used to do during their childhood or some other moment of their lives. Maybe they will remember the stories we told them while we walked down our memory lane, maybe they won’t. – By my own experience I know that they will be fine. I don’t think that TCK’s „survive their experience“, they live it. And as parents, we should help them to build memorable moments with us, here, right now, today.

Related articles

• Why being a Third Culture Kid sucks (sometimes) (iwasanexpatwife.com)
• What’s a Third Culture Kid? (iwasanexpatwife.com)
• Language and TCKs (raisingtcks.com)
• Comments and extra thoughts on being a multilingual parent… (3rdculturechildren.com)