Children Youth and Family – Expat Since Birth – A Life spent "abroad" https://expatsincebirth.com a blog by a multilingual lifelong expat/international, linguist, researcher, speaker, mother of three, living in the Netherlands and writing about raising children with multiple languages, multiculturalism, parenting abroad, international life... Tue, 09 Sep 2014 15:53:34 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://expatsincebirth.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/expatsincebirthlogo2018.png Children Youth and Family – Expat Since Birth – A Life spent "abroad" https://expatsincebirth.com 32 32 How to listen to our children and how to make them listen to us https://expatsincebirth.com/2012/11/15/how-to-listen-to-our-children-and-how-to-make-them-listen-to-us/ https://expatsincebirth.com/2012/11/15/how-to-listen-to-our-children-and-how-to-make-them-listen-to-us/#comments Thu, 15 Nov 2012 10:36:57 +0000 http://expatsincebirth.com/?p=388 LISTENI just read an interesting post from Tessa and a parenting course she was following about how to listen to our children. It’s not always possible to give full attention when our child (or our children!) talk to us. The advise Tessa has been given was to stop what you’re doing (yes, also blogging!) “turn and look at them and listen properly”. And if we really can’t stop our task, we still can tell them “I’m busy but in 10 minutes I will stop and listen” and really remember to do so. This works pretty well if your children can wait that long (or even longer) and do remember what they wanted to tell you… If not, my advice is to make them write down what they wanted to say or make a picture. Or ask them to give you a hint, so that you can help them reminding what they wanted to say.

The second thing she learnt was “about reflecting back and repeating back to your child what he has said to you”. This is very important as it ensures your child that you are really hearing what he says and that you emphasize.

Tessa’s post did remind me of what one of my daughters said to me the other day. She was busy playing when I tried to tell her something and she said to me : “Not now, mom, I’m busy. Talk to me later”.

She was applying the same method to me! So, I’m wondering: shouldn’t we expect the same behaviour from our children too? If we want to tell them something, shouldn’t they stop doing what they’re doing, turn and look at us and listen properly, maybe even reflect back and repeat to us what we were saying? This would ensure us parents that they are really hearing what we said, right? I must confess that I ask my children to do so with really important things, but maybe I should do it more often.

I would also add another tip: with children who really have a hard time to listen or generally focus, if you bend down or over to them and touch their shoulders or look them straight in the eyes, they listen much better than if you talk to them from a distance.

By the way, this works also with collegues, friends, partners etc. (you might skip the bending down part…)

 

Recommended book(s):

How to Talk So Kids will Listen & Listen So Kids will Talk, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. New York: Scribner Classics, 2012.

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]]> https://expatsincebirth.com/2012/11/15/how-to-listen-to-our-children-and-how-to-make-them-listen-to-us/feed/ 9 5 tips to spending one-on-one time with your child(ren) https://expatsincebirth.com/2012/11/01/5-tips-to-spending-one-on-one-time-with-your-children/ https://expatsincebirth.com/2012/11/01/5-tips-to-spending-one-on-one-time-with-your-children/#comments Thu, 01 Nov 2012 14:18:38 +0000 http://expatsincebirth.com/?p=337 Drachenfliegen

©expatsincebirth

If you have more than one child and/or twins, you probably are concerned that you’re not giving them enough individual attention.

When your children are attending school, going to after school activities etc., they barely have time for family activities and sometimes no one-on-one time to interact with their parents. All siblings, no matter how many they are, if they are twins or not, need to have breathing space from each other from time to time. If the one-on-one time with you gives them attention and a bit of a spotlight feeling, it will boost their selfesteem and give them more balance in life.

If you have twins, it’s even more important to organize some special time with one of them, because most of the time, being in public with twins attracts public attention. When they go out on their own or spend one-on-one time with you, they have the unique opportunity to be themselves.

I consider the exclusive attention time very important and recently did set up a weekly schedule for my children.

Here are some hints about how to organize your one-on-one time with your children.

1) Take all the help you need

Do allow friends or family to help you to take your children to separate outings or arrange playdates for one child while you dedicate some time of undivided attention to the remaining child. You can always return the favour.

2) Schedule one-on-one times

This applies to every sort of relationship and maybe you do it already with your partner to nurture your relationship. Scheduled one-on-one time is very important for your children: it gives them uninterrupted time with you. The only thing you need to do is to find a moment that fits in your lifestyle. It’s almost impossible to do it on a daily basis, but you can arrange a few hours per week to dedicate to each of your children.

The time you choose should be relaxing and enjoyable. You don’t need to do something expensive. Children often enjoy chilling on the sofa listening to music or are perfectly happy to do the errands (but not if it gives the feeling of a „have-to“…). Obviously, an evening out with your teenager is very special (going to the movies, a restaurant, a theater or doing what your child likes to do with you).

3) Find a common interest

Every child has a favourite activity. Even multiples can have very different interests that you can share with each of them. It can be sport, gardening, a hobby that you both enjoy together. It is a great opportunity to learn something new with your child.

4) The power of rituals

Rituals are vital for every family. In The Heart of a Family, Meg Cox explains that “Studies have shown repeatedly that the children who are best equipped to face the rude world and stay centered are those who feel close to their families, and that closeness comes from routine reassurance and shared experiences.”

Try to establish routines within your daily life that foster the sharing of one-on-one time with each child. For example, involve one child in cooking dinner and setting up the table, the other one in preparing lunchboxes and the third one in getting things ready for the next day. Or hanging out the laundry or doing other chores in and around the house together. Also, instead of sending the children to bed altogether, take one child at a time and talk to him while he or she is getting ready for bed. – These might seem unimportant moments because they are part of our routine, but if shared with one child only, and not done in a hurry, they can become very precious moments.

Each child has the right to get the opportunity for individual attention. Find out what is best for you and each of your children. Your relationship with your child will surely be rewarded. And don’t forget to have fun and enjoy!

]]> https://expatsincebirth.com/2012/11/01/5-tips-to-spending-one-on-one-time-with-your-children/feed/ 11 5 tips to reduce screen time for children https://expatsincebirth.com/2012/10/28/5-tips-to-reduce-screen-time-for-children/ https://expatsincebirth.com/2012/10/28/5-tips-to-reduce-screen-time-for-children/#comments Sun, 28 Oct 2012 18:14:46 +0000 http://expatsincebirth.com/?p=311 Lately I wrote a post about indoor activities with children, and I think it’s useful to add some tips about how to reduce screen time for children. Usually, during holidays and the cold winter period, children get very tempted by TV, computer games etc. There are many ways to become active instead: go swimming, ride bikes, go walking etc., but there are always „those“ days where our children just want to chill and watch something.

In my opinion, setting screen time limits is vital for all children (and adults!). With screen time I intend „passive consumption“, like TV or DVD. Obviously, every family has to decide how much time a child is allowed to spend in front of a screen per day. As they already have some screen time at school (starting in primary school…) or need it for their homework etc., I think it’s even more important to monitor screen time in their free time.

Here are some tips that can help you and your kids to spend less time with the screen turned on. Before starting: set up clear rules your children and yourself can keep to!

First of all, it would obviously be wise to be the positive role-model. You probably will have to limit your own screen time too.  If our children see us following our own rules, they will be much more likely to do the same.

1. It can be useful to track how much time every member of the family spends in front of a TV, watches DVD’s, plays video games, and uses the computer for something other than school or work. Compared to the physical activities of every single member, you can easily realise what you need to change.

2. Set some house rules when TV or computer is off-limits. For example, never turn on the TV or use a computer, cellphone etc. while having a chat with the children or during meals. We have a clear rule about no mobiles or other electronic devices during meals, and this applies to all of us, parents and guests included.

3. Never use the TV or computer as a reward or a punishment, because it will make them even more appealing.

4. Set a clear time schedule for screen times. During holidays these screen times are sometimes a bit longer, but should never exceed. How you can recognize that your child spends too much time in front ot the screen? If your child has problems to go to bed or fall asleep at night, if it develops attention problems or anxiety, it’s time to reduce screen time.

5. Talk about what your children are watching on TV or computer. Explain how to cope with adverts. This helps them to understand the commercial pressures and to become more screen-savvy. – Get them to think about what they are watching.

6. If you think that watching TV or DVD’s is already a habit in your family, give your kids alternatives.  We really are spoilt for choices: sports, hobbies, outdoor activities etc.

Do your children have a TV or computer in their bedroom? Removing them from your childrens’ rooms will reduce their consumption about 1.5 hours per day. Furthermore, having a TV or computer in their bedroom, will lead the children to spend less time with the rest of the family.

It’s important to differentiate screen time: There is the passive screen time like watching TV or DVD’s and the more active screen time, like playing games (Wii, DS, computergames etc.). Among the computergames, those requiring problem-solving and concentration can even be educational. But some of them can lead to „addiction“ and as parents we should be attentive that our children (and we as well!) don’t pass the very fine line between passion and obsession.

How much time do your children spend in front of a screen per day? And you? Do you have any more suggestions about how to reduce screen time for children or how to make it become a more productive free time?

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