We are living in an international community with a great amount of parents from the UK, Australia and the US, and among our friends, the question whether to send a child to a boarding school or not comes up regularly.

I am the kind of mother that couldn’t imagine being separated from my children, not until they’re 18 or whenever they are ready to go. Yes, I’m a “mamma italiana” type of mother, or a “Glucke” how it’s called in German: I like having my children around me. I love being a mother and I am very grateful to have the opportunity to spend plenty of time with my children, I want them in my life and want to take part of their daily life.

This is why it was very difficult for me to accept and understand how a parent could send a child under 18 to a boarding school. Especially because it means, in our situation, to send him or her to a school that is in another country, hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of kilometers away.

Sending children to boarding schools is more common in some societies than in others and some of my British friends started talking about sending their children to boarding school when they were still quite young.

I couldn’t understand how a mother of a 5 year old could already make plans to send her son to a boarding school at age 8 or 10. They were making plans on trips they would “finally do” with their husbands/partners when their children would be “away”. It sounded like the children were a nuisance. It took me quite some time to understand their point of view, their world view and look at it all from another perspective. – I still struggle with this mentality, but I understand where it comes from.

The UK has a rich history of boarding schools which reflects in one of the most read books in the past years, Harry Potter. Children from around the world read about life in a surreal boarding school, far away from home, without parents being active part of their daily lives, and they accompany these fictive characters for several years through adventures, sad and happy moments. I read Hanni und Nanni (aka St. Clairs) by Enid Blyton, when I was 10 and wondered sometimes how it would be to grow up in a boarding school. It seemed like a very exotic way to live to me. – But reading books about the life of fictive characters in that situation and living it yourself are two very different animals…

Boarding schools in Britain started in medieval times “when boys were sent to be educated at a monastery or noble household, where a lone literate cleric could be found”, but the institution has adapted itself to changing social circumstances over 1000 years. During the colonial expansion of the British Empire, they became highly popular as they ensured education to children of British colonial administrators.

“in some societies children enter at an earlier age than in others. In some societies, a tradition has developed in which families send their children to the same boarding school for generations. One observation that appears to apply globally is that a significantly larger number of boys than girls attend boarding school and for a longer span of time. The practice of sending children, particularly boys, to other families or to schools so that they could learn together is of very long standing, recorded in classical literature and in UK records going back over 1,000 years. ” (more information here)

If for some local families, sending their children to a boarding school means to help them develop wider horizons than their family can provide, families who spend many years living abroad, boarding schools represent the often unique opportunity for their children to get in touch with their heritage culture, its values, customs and beliefs during their childhood years.

Knowing about the historical background of sending children to boarding schools helped me to be more understanding.

When I saw this video some time ago, I started questioning the reasons that brought the parents to send their children to a boarding school.

I understand that if a parent grew up like this and saw the benefits of it, he probably wants his children make the same experience. Many parents don’t question the way they were brought up and assume that what was good for them is automatically beneficial for their children too.

I personally wonder if this option is not a way to escape parenthood at an earlier stage, a kind of handing over a child to someone else – like it’s said in this video by one of the educators.

I have several friends who have sent their children to boarding schools and I see them suffer, I see them keeping up the “brave facade” that I see back in the video here above. They don’t meet with others when they are sad and lonely, and when they feel some tears coming up when among friends, they say they’re “being silly”.

Sometimes they share their grief, the grief of a premature empty nest, the grief of not seeing their children grow up, become teenagers and young adults, the grief of not really being part of their childrens’ life. They are the bereaved. And there is the fear that their children may not want to come back and visit in the future, that they will resent their decisions. They are lonely and abandoned.

I understand that for many internationals who move frequently, a boarding school gives some continuity their children usually miss, but I can’t but wonder: why would they choose a life far away from their children, a life that tears their family apart? Isn’t it one of the reasons we have children, to raise them ourselves, and not to let this part to someone else, some stranger?

I have seen children suffering because of frequent moves. I have seen these children being sent to boarding school because of their suffering. I honestly doubt that being separated from their parents, who usually are the pillar and only constance in their young life, is the best and healthiest solution.

I could go on and on writing about this topic but I leave it here, open… for everyone who reads this continue the discussion in the comments.

I surely am not here to judge.

Like one of the mothers says at the end of the video: I wonder what the long term effect is on children who are growing up like this. When children are separated from their parents it always has an effect on everyone involved, and there is not one right solution that fits all.

Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs there are, because it involves emotions, requires tough decisions, and leaves us with many doubts, uncertainties that affect us because they involve people we love.

Ruth van Reken wrote a very important book about her own experience at boarding schools. Letters never sent is a collection of letters she never sent to her mother, where she shares her thoughts, experiences, her sad moments, her worries.

I can also recommend Unrooted Childhoods,a collection of stories from adults who grew up abroad.

What is your opinion or experience with sending children to boarding school? Please share it in the comments here below.

Personally, I find it important to discover Switzerland by using public transportation. If you don’t live in Switzerland or have an address there, it can be quite expensive. But there are ways to keep it low-cost (find more information on the SBB site).

The other day we chose to take a daytrip which involved a train ride from Disentis to St. Moritz (and back), travelling along the Rhaetian Railway.

https://www.rhb.ch/fileadmin/_processed_/csm_Linienplan_RhB_2f9f3147d1.png

(RhB Linienplan)

Coming from TIcino (near Biasca), we started our journey in Disentis/Mustér until Reichenau/Tamins and got on the Bernina Express to St. Moritz.

The Albula /Bernina lines run along 122 km of track and passes 55 tunnels and over 196 bridges and viaducts and are a masterpiece of engineering. Its combination with the surrounding landscape made it to its recognition as a UNESCO World Heritage site.

The Rheinschlucht or Ruinaulta is also called the Swiss Grand Canyon, where the railway runs alongside the Rhine (Rhein) and the Ruinaulta amazes you with its bizarre geological formations.

and

Ruinaulta

The amazing Albulaviaduct is between Bergün/Bravuogn and Preda – here below rendered by an interesting scupture that you can find at St. Moritz station.

http://www.bbbahn.eu/Karte_RHB.jpg

In Bergün you can get off the train and visit the Railway Museum or decide to first admire the Albula Viaduct and descend right before the  Albula Tunnel in Preda.  The actual tunnel is going to be replaced by a new one in 2021, but will still be functioning as escape tunnel for the new one. – You want to find out more about the construction of the tunnel at the Albula Tunnel Infoarena in Preda: “packed with all manner of exhibits and facts in German and English worth knowing about geology, tunnel technology, logistics and other exciting subjects involving the region and its very own railway. Fun items such as a virtual footplate ride and children’s slides and climbing frames complete the list of attractions on offer.” – You can take a 90 minutes tour to discover all about the tunnel and the railway (I advise to book beforehand, especially in the weekends as the number of participants is limited!). Younger visitors will be delighted by the presence of Kobali the Mole, with an adventurous expedition through the construction site, „virtual blasting” and a surprise included!

We ended our journey in St. Moritz, the cradle of winter sports and where will take place the 2017 World Ski Championships.

The Bernina Express continues to Tirano through the amazing landscape up to Pontresina and Bernina – with the highest point at 2253m Ospizio Bernina) – before descending towards Poschiavo and Tirano. – We didn’t have that much time the other day, so we’ll have to return next year to complete our tour.

If you want to find out more about this route, visit the Rhaetian Railway site.

The end of the school year is the toughest time for expats or internationally living families. To the usual change of class the change due to friends moving abroad is the one that affects us the most. We begin early to build a R.A.F.T. and say goodbye over and over again… This is a very sad time of the year.

Since a few years I have started to collect songs with my children that they associate with this period of the year – some are songs we listened to while I was driving them to and from school, others are songs they learnt for performances.

Listening to these songs brings us back to the happy moments spent with our friends who moved on, or who are not (going to be) part of our daily life anymore.

To all those who left – and to all those who are leaving…

We’re going to miss you, it hurts. – But we’re thankful that our paths crossed, that we had the opportunity to have you in our lives. You’re always have a place in our hearts.

(the songs are not in any particular order)

Count on me…

Hall of Fame

WakaWaka

King and the Lionheart

Dynamite (Taio Cruz)

Heroes

Uptown Funk (Mark Ronson)

Moves like Jagger (Maroon 5)

Wake me up (Avicii)

Stay with me (Sam Smith)

Burn (Ellie Goulding)

Blank Space (Taylor Swift)

Shake it off (Taylor Swift)

All About That Bass (Meghan Trainor)

Counting Stars (OneRepublic)

Let her go (Passenger)

You’re going to miss me when I’m gone (Anna Kendrik)

Happy (Pharrell Williams)

When we were young (Adele)

Perfect Symphony (Ed Sheeran & Andrea Bocelli)

Zu Hause…

What are your songs that remind you of this time of the year or the time spent with your friends before they or you left?

Latest update 2.7.2015 / Dernière mise à jour 2.7.2015.

We can find many books and articles about Third Culture Kids – in French: Enfants de Troisième Culture – but little has been published in French up to now. This is why I’m setting up this bibliography that I will, hopefully, update regularly.

Il n’ya pas encore beaucoup de livres en français au sujet des Enfants de Troisème Culture. J’espère tout de même de pouvoir ajouter de nouveaux titres d’ouvrages, articles, films etc. ici.

Claudie Bert, S’expatrier en famille, ed. Village Mondial, 2005

Gaëlle Goutain, Adélaïde Russell, Le conjoint expatrié. Réussissez votre séjour à l’étranger, L’Harmattan, 2011

Delphine Joëlson Marteau, L’expatriation au féminin, L’Harmattan, 2013.

Gaelle Goutain et Adélaide Russell, L’enfant expatrié, L’Harmattan, Paris, 2009

Gylbert, Cécile, Les enfants expatriés: Enfants de Troisième Culture (Kindle), 2015

Livres pour enfants:

Karpathakis Emmanuelle, Pixie Déménage, Summertime, 2012. (traduit en différentes langues)

Karpathakis Emmanuelle, Les Vacances de Pixie, Summertime, 2013. (traduit en différentes langues)

Sites en français au sujet des Enfants de Troisième Culture ou Enfants Expatriés:

Psychologue pour Expatriés: posts, workshops etc. au sujet des Enfants de Troisième Culture (à Lyon). Emmanuelle Niollet propose aussi des thérapies par Skype pour les expatriés dans le monde entier – francophones et anglophones.

We all experience culture shock to some extent and at some point of our lives. No matter if we spend only some weeks in a foreign place or if we stay for longer. Even when we repatriate after living some years abroad, we will get through this phase.

Helene Rybol compares culture shock, which once was described as “anxiety produced when a person moves to a completely new environment”, to a roller coaster. In fact, culture shock is part of the transition process and it usually comes after the so called honeymoon phase. We experience culture shock when we realize the differences, when we compare habits, languages, tastes, smells to what we experienced before. Culture shock will eventually lead to adjustment and adaptation if we deal with it in a healthy way.

The name culture shock suggests negative thoughts and feelings. Helene Rybol specifies that experiencing it is actually a chance to learn to broaden our horizons, to become more compassionate and open-minded. It is a chance to put our life into perspective.

“When it feels like we suddenly don’t control anything, everything around us simply happens and we’re not quite sure how to manage, it’s important to realize what we can control: our own behavior and attitude”

Since the first pages, Helene Rybol captures the readers’ attention by focussing on the person and by pointing out the positive effects this phase can have on our lives if we deal with it in a positive way.

In a very friendly and sensitive way, the author explains the symptoms of culture shock in terms of the feelings travelers experience while going through this phase (in the first chapter “A matter of perception”). These feeling are “only the surface” of the “emotional roller coaster” and one needs to find ways to digest them in order to adapt (p.15).

Helene Rybol’s tips are a precious toolbox that helps to “tap into our core, connect, trust ourselves, handle change”. By exploring our very personal comfort zones, we’ll be able to discover the new environment and embrace the new experience: “your own behavior can be a source of comfort”. Instead of clinging to preconceived notions, she advises and guides us to examine, relax, trust ourselves and consciously observe.

Helene Rybol gently leads us through the different stages of culture shock: when we “crave for comfort”, “process new information”, “cope without autopilot”, “deal with difficult situations” or alienation.

“Experiencing culture shock is a gift that helps us find our story within a world of stories and understand how we are connected”

By using humor and kindness as an antidote to culture shock and by focussing on our inner dialogue, by being proactive, curious and not afraid to ask we’ll successfully master this stage.

This book is a very precious guide that helps everyone who is going through culture shock to regain perspective, reassess and understand this process and boast self confidence.

What sets this book apart from others on the same topic is that instead of concentrating on the differences culture shock shows us, Helen Rybol turns the focus on what we have in common with the new culture.

“Underneath all of our apparent cultural differences, there are stories we all share, regardless of country or continent.”

“Go for it! Jump right in! Enjoy the journey!”

This book is a must read for everyone considering to spend some time abroad!

H.E.Rybol (Spain)

____

Helene Rybol was so kind to answer a few more questions about her book:

What made you decide to write a book about culture shock?

I’ve lived abroad all my life and I’m really interested in cultural transitions. I find the process invigorating and love those moments when you feel something shift or your perspective broaden. Writing about those moments and transitions seemed like a natural next step.

Culture shock often has negative connotations. I see culture shock as a good thing and I’m hoping this book will help people realize why while providing solutions to its challenges as well. I’m hoping this book is a comforting companion to anyone dealing with cultural transitions. Hopefully it’ll be inspiring, motivating and also something to fall back on when you’re feeling a little disoriented.

Would you recommend people who consider living abroad to follow a training where the kind of skills you mention in your book are taught?

Anything that helps ease that initial stress is a great idea!

What will you write next about? 

I’m working on my new website (www.herybol.com) where I write about those moments when something shifted and publish interviews as well. I’m also working on a fictional story that includes some elements of cultural transitions, TCK life and more.

How can dealing with culture shock help us become better persons?

Culture shock pushes us to experience a different world view and see our own culture with different eyes. We expand our thinking and behavior. It helps us become kinder and more compassionate.

Thank you very much, Helene!

H.E.Rybol

Please visit Helene Rybol’s website: http://cultureshocktoolbox.com/. Her book Culture Shock: A Practical Guide is available on her website and here.