Life is not a long fleuve tranquille , we all have our challenges to deal with. What helps me since my own teenage years is Nietsches’ What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. – I admit that sometimes I wonder how strong does one need to become?!
Fact is, that I am very proud of where we are now. – Be prepared, this is a long post…

We parents learn a lot from our children

We learn more from our children than from any parenting book. This is something I love about being a parent! It is the hardest job and it doesn’t come with a course book, or a guarantee for success. It is the most amazing journey but also the most daunting one. It is a 24/7 job.

Our children teach us to slow down, to focus on every-single-step, they actually teach us mindfulness, and they teach us to question our values and beliefs (over and over again!). What I love the most is that they teach us to be flexible and coherent at the same time. It seems impossible but it’s not!

Every step our children take, we have the great chance to admire and enjoy it. Unfortunately, many of us parents tend to get caught into a rat race, where it is more about whose child speaks first, walks first, eats solid food first, gets into the gym team (first), has higher grades, gets accepted into the most prestigious University, has the best job, earns more money etc.

I say unfortunately, because we risk to loose our children along the way.

We think what is good for them and tend to guide them with such a determination that they naturally follow our lead.

It starts with putting them on the jacket (maybe I’m warm…), choosing the right shoes for them (I prefer the other ones…), convincing them about the importance of maths and science (there are other subjects too…!), that it is good to try out numbers of sports (and if I don’t like sports, or those you suggest?…), be consistent in one (why only one?!). And no, we’re not helicopter parents.

“We just want what is good for our children” is what many parents say.

But, honestly, how do we know what is good for them? What makes us be so sure that the path we see (and choose!) for them is the one that is good for them? Who are we to make them do things they are not ready or prepared for, or willing to do? – Whoever says that we’re doing this because we want that our children don’t have to experience certain situations, is not doing them any favor!

Our children will make their own experiences, at their time, with their pace and with their consequences.

If we, parents, recognize patterns in situations or behaviors, that can lead to consequences that were hard for us: it was about us, not them!

I don’t mean that we don’t learn from experiences, we do, and we learn a lot from history, from the past – I am the first to say that history is one of the most important subjects taught at school (and beyond) – but we have to take experiences as what they are. They are things-that-happened-in-certain-circumstances-with-particular-consequences: they are not universal law. They are somewhere on a continuum from objective to subjective that is very difficult to define and to sum up in a post. And this is exactly what makes parenting so difficult: when should we draw the line between our experience and the one of our children? How much should we guide them? And what does this even mean?

I’m one of those mothers who don’t push their children.

In the past, I let my children decide what jacket to put on, I don’t push so they go to the highest maths group, and I don’t push them to go to university.

I don’t care what other parents think. I don’t care what my parents think about the way I’m raising my children. I make many mistakes, but I have no problem to own them. I apologize to my children when I do. They know that I am not perfect and that I don’t know everything. Since they were very young I would say “I don’t know, let’s find out together”, and I am sure this made them not consider adults as know-it-all – and lead them quite often to question adults (teachers and educators too).

I spent days (and nights) thinking about what kind of consequences my decisions might have, and what consequences my childrens’ decisions might have.

I’m not a laid back mother. I worried a lot in the past, especially because I didn’t have parents who would take care of our children. We live too far away and my parents are not the kind who would offer to take care of our three children so that my husband and I could have some time “off” parenting. I know many expat families can, but we couldn’t.

I know now that I was anxious at times, and that this reflected in my parenting style. But what I recently discovered is, that my anxiety wasn’t coming from me, it was coming from the expectations of our society, our community, our extended family and friends. When I realized this a few years ago, I decided to let me guide by my children.

I am growing with my children

Yes, I am literally growing with my children. They show me the way. They show me what they like, what they dislike, what makes them happy, what makes them anxious (yes, we dealt with some serious anxiety issues in the past) and what helps them recover from setbacks.

What I have learnt in the past years is that the more I let my children decide and deal with the consequences, the better we all are off. We discuss a lot about the decisions. But instead of anticipating our children with possible consequences of their decisions, we ask them what they think a consequence could be, we explore them together and we let them make their own experiences.
Sometimes it is better to not mention a negative outcome, because we could spoil the opportunity for them to actually have a very positive experience!

The growing with my children also means to let them go. The first steps that took them further away from me/us when they were toddlers are now leading further and further away, but I am happy for them that they have the confidence and the capacity to do so.

I also grow with them because I don’t want to grow apart from them. My lovely three teenagers show me every day what they can do, what they want, what they fear and what they love: and this changes regularly.

This flexibility is healthy for them and for me. I don’t like putting people in boxes, define them based on their capacities, preferences, etc., so, this flexibility helps me to always consider all the options my children (and I!) have. – It is an amazing journey that my husband and I are very grateful to be able to experience!

(This was in 2019…)

Update in 2021

We have had a surreal year, determined by the many uncertainties of the pandemic, many losses and many moments of frustration, loneliness and desperation. As I mentioned before, our children should be allowed to have the opportunity to make their experiences, make mistakes, be happy, sad, fail and get up again. This past year has asked a lot from all of us: to be patient for what seems an eternity, to follow rules (when rules were not respected by others), to stay positive (although “staying negative” with regards to the pandemic meant to keep distance from friends, family etc.), to “soldier on” (whilst nobody could give any direction where we were and still are (!) headed).
What seemed something that could end in a few months, is not going to end soon, and our children have changed a lot due to the pandemic. They have learned what being lonely is.
They have learned to adjust to the ever changing expectations from school: on- and off-line teaching, teachers struggling with the all so many online channels through which they transmitted (or thought to transmit) their knowledge, they did their best to understand that the curriculum seemed more important than their sanity, tried to make sense of time tables changing every few months. And then there was that uncertainty concerning final exams in the middle of all of this.

Our friends changed: there are those who still check in with us, and those who have become oddly silent. For us adults it is easier as we have “been there” (i.e. been teenagers), but for our children it’s not. They should be making their experiences themselves, and instead they watch Netflix series about it, discussing about what they would do if… in a future (“far far away…”) they were in a similar situation.

This pandemic has taken away a year of healthy social interactions for our children in a phase where they shouldn’t stay home all the time. Someone compared it with times of war, but it’s not comparable. In times of war, people would still be able to see friends, hug, form relationships etc. It’s not the same now.

This past year I have experienced so much wisdom from my children. They reminded us to put on the mask, to stay one more step away from the neighbour, to wash hands. They are very conscious and disciplined. They have also suffered when seeing peers meeting in groups whilst numbers of infections were getting up. Realizing that this world is full or irresponsible people is not reassuring for a young adult! On the contrary. It makes you doubt about the world’s sanity. In those moments we looked at the broader picture and actually wished so many times to live in a more group oriented society, where individualism, the individual’s right wasn’t the first thing people would think of. We looked at history, how people have dealt with this kind of situations in the past, how it would have been different if this had happened only 10 years ago. We learned to keep being optimistic and to not let us distract from what others do, how others think about it and what other people’s expectations are (with regards to their personal freedom).
We have learned a lot about ourselves and about our family. Our children have grown, matured this year, but managed to balance their sadness and lonely moments with moments of joy, shared silliness and laughter.

What about you? How was it for you this past year?

What are you learning from your children? – Please let me know in the comments here below!

What for people who grew up in one culture – let’s call them “monoculturals” – can seem like a lovely way to celebrate many cultures, to taste different foods and get a visual impression of what that other culture can look like, and a taste of it if food is involved, a “hear” of it if music is played, is a very difficult time for someone like me or my children who grew up abroad, never lived in that country we’re asked to represent, and only have a temporary experience – during holidays – of what life looks like, tastes and sounds like in that country.

Of course, one can “chose whatever country they have any kind of relation with”, and so my children once dressed up as Dutch, as German, as Italian, as Swiss, but we always cringe at the thought to have to chose.

8 years ago, when my son struggled with deciding which country to represent, I told him what I tell now all internationals who come to my talks and workshops, and their children and teens: you don’t have to chose! You are all of them, so combine them in your very unique and fantastic way!

And so he did. He put on a French cap (on aime bien la France chez nous!), an orange shirt (omdat we van Oranje houden!), blue trousers from Italy (perché amiamo lo stile italiano!), hiking boots and a rope (will mer immer gäärn i’d Bärge gönt go wandere!), and I honestly don’t remember what part of his outfit was German (aber das ist hoffentlich kein Problem…). I didn’t take a picture of him, but I remember that other parents and their children were confused and some even quite upset that he combined some European cultures/countries in his outfit. But he felt better!

– He felt better but not “great”. And I know why: because we perceive it as a very superficial way to show what others expect you to show.

Others want to see colors, to smell spices, taste the otherness and have the illusion of “all is fine” and “everyone is different”.

You are expected to celebrate the bright side of that culture and society, the traditional outfits that you may never wear in that country because you don’t live there and you don’t connect the history, the tradition that comes with wearing them, the pride to be part of that culture, because you experience it from the outside, as a well prepared tourist who only visits it during holidays. You may feel you belong for a few days or weeks in a year: you speak the language, know about beliefs and traditions, adopt the values, but for most of the time you’re “the combination of many”.

Like my children I also attended a very international school, but we never had an international day and I am extremely grateful for that.

The reason for this is because when you live internationality, embrace diversity in your daily life, wearing a dirndl means to reduce your identity to only one, often the palest facet of your colorful self of your manifold identity!

I know that what I’m saying here is not shared by most parents and teachers at our school and other international schools, and you may think that I have an identity problem.

No worries, I don’t. I thought for many years that me being not only German but also Italian, French and Swiss – even British to some extent! – was weird, a problem for those who try to put you into boxes, label you with only one label, that I had to silence part of who I was to fit into groups, but I, we don’t have to.

Like TCKs, CCKs, those who honestly and wholeheartedly embrace diversity and internationality, don’t need an international day. They live it every single day of their life.

If you don’t believe me, try to ask the children and teenagers, the adults who thrive among internationals: How would their way to express internationality look like?

I know what my answer is: stop pointing out the differences! Instead of having separate stalls at these international events with Indian – German – Chinese – Nigerian – South African – British – Irish – Italian – French – Dutch etc. food, unite them all on long colorful table and let the truly international feast begin, where everyone eats from all plates without questioning, judging, comparing, pointing out the difference, but simply enjoying.

If you organize games or activities from all those cultures: find out what they have in common, what the children like to play and do, and why – and with games I mean board games or games played in groups without electronic device!

– I don’t like international days because they are only one day (some are a week): I prefer embracing this every single day!

The end of the school year is the toughest time for expats or internationally living families. To the usual change of class the change due to friends moving abroad is the one that affects us the most. We begin early to build a R.A.F.T. and say goodbye over and over again… This is a very sad time of the year.

Since a few years I have started to collect songs with my children that they associate with this period of the year – some are songs we listened to while I was driving them to and from school, others are songs they learnt for performances.

Listening to these songs brings us back to the happy moments spent with our friends who moved on, or who are not (going to be) part of our daily life anymore.

To all those who left – and to all those who are leaving…

We’re going to miss you, it hurts. – But we’re thankful that our paths crossed, that we had the opportunity to have you in our lives. You’re always have a place in our hearts.

(the songs are not in any particular order)

Count on me…

Hall of Fame

WakaWaka

King and the Lionheart

Dynamite (Taio Cruz)

Heroes

Uptown Funk (Mark Ronson)

Moves like Jagger (Maroon 5)

Wake me up (Avicii)

Stay with me (Sam Smith)

Burn (Ellie Goulding)

Blank Space (Taylor Swift)

Shake it off (Taylor Swift)

All About That Bass (Meghan Trainor)

Counting Stars (OneRepublic)

Let her go (Passenger)

You’re going to miss me when I’m gone (Anna Kendrik)

Happy (Pharrell Williams)

When we were young (Adele)

Perfect Symphony (Ed Sheeran & Andrea Bocelli)

Zu Hause…

What are your songs that remind you of this time of the year or the time spent with your friends before they or you left?

We all experience culture shock to some extent and at some point of our lives. No matter if we spend only some weeks in a foreign place or if we stay for longer. Even when we repatriate after living some years abroad, we will get through this phase.

Helene Rybol compares culture shock, which once was described as “anxiety produced when a person moves to a completely new environment”, to a roller coaster. In fact, culture shock is part of the transition process and it usually comes after the so called honeymoon phase. We experience culture shock when we realize the differences, when we compare habits, languages, tastes, smells to what we experienced before. Culture shock will eventually lead to adjustment and adaptation if we deal with it in a healthy way.

The name culture shock suggests negative thoughts and feelings. Helene Rybol specifies that experiencing it is actually a chance to learn to broaden our horizons, to become more compassionate and open-minded. It is a chance to put our life into perspective.

“When it feels like we suddenly don’t control anything, everything around us simply happens and we’re not quite sure how to manage, it’s important to realize what we can control: our own behavior and attitude”

Since the first pages, Helene Rybol captures the readers’ attention by focussing on the person and by pointing out the positive effects this phase can have on our lives if we deal with it in a positive way.

In a very friendly and sensitive way, the author explains the symptoms of culture shock in terms of the feelings travelers experience while going through this phase (in the first chapter “A matter of perception”). These feeling are “only the surface” of the “emotional roller coaster” and one needs to find ways to digest them in order to adapt (p.15).

Helene Rybol’s tips are a precious toolbox that helps to “tap into our core, connect, trust ourselves, handle change”. By exploring our very personal comfort zones, we’ll be able to discover the new environment and embrace the new experience: “your own behavior can be a source of comfort”. Instead of clinging to preconceived notions, she advises and guides us to examine, relax, trust ourselves and consciously observe.

Helene Rybol gently leads us through the different stages of culture shock: when we “crave for comfort”, “process new information”, “cope without autopilot”, “deal with difficult situations” or alienation.

“Experiencing culture shock is a gift that helps us find our story within a world of stories and understand how we are connected”

By using humor and kindness as an antidote to culture shock and by focussing on our inner dialogue, by being proactive, curious and not afraid to ask we’ll successfully master this stage.

This book is a very precious guide that helps everyone who is going through culture shock to regain perspective, reassess and understand this process and boast self confidence.

What sets this book apart from others on the same topic is that instead of concentrating on the differences culture shock shows us, Helen Rybol turns the focus on what we have in common with the new culture.

“Underneath all of our apparent cultural differences, there are stories we all share, regardless of country or continent.”

“Go for it! Jump right in! Enjoy the journey!”

This book is a must read for everyone considering to spend some time abroad!

H.E.Rybol (Spain)

____

Helene Rybol was so kind to answer a few more questions about her book:

What made you decide to write a book about culture shock?

I’ve lived abroad all my life and I’m really interested in cultural transitions. I find the process invigorating and love those moments when you feel something shift or your perspective broaden. Writing about those moments and transitions seemed like a natural next step.

Culture shock often has negative connotations. I see culture shock as a good thing and I’m hoping this book will help people realize why while providing solutions to its challenges as well. I’m hoping this book is a comforting companion to anyone dealing with cultural transitions. Hopefully it’ll be inspiring, motivating and also something to fall back on when you’re feeling a little disoriented.

Would you recommend people who consider living abroad to follow a training where the kind of skills you mention in your book are taught?

Anything that helps ease that initial stress is a great idea!

What will you write next about? 

I’m working on my new website (www.herybol.com) where I write about those moments when something shifted and publish interviews as well. I’m also working on a fictional story that includes some elements of cultural transitions, TCK life and more.

How can dealing with culture shock help us become better persons?

Culture shock pushes us to experience a different world view and see our own culture with different eyes. We expand our thinking and behavior. It helps us become kinder and more compassionate.

Thank you very much, Helene!

H.E.Rybol

Please visit Helene Rybol’s website: http://cultureshocktoolbox.com/. Her book Culture Shock: A Practical Guide is available on her website and here.

I recently discussed this topic with linguists and parents who are raising their children bilingually and I noticed that people generally tend to jump onto general conclusions way too quickly.

Parents who send their children to a local school or an international school where lessons are held in another language often struggle when it comes to doing homework.

The question I often hear from parents and that induces me to write this post is: “Do I need to do homework with my child in his/her mothertongue or is it enough if she/he does the homework in the school language?”

There is not an overall answer, because there are different appraisal factors to consider.

First of all, if using the mother language (or home language) helps to understand the topic of the homework, it would surely be important to switch to it.

Especially if we want to foster literacy it is important to discuss the topic of a text or book in the home language so that the child really gets the meaning of the text in the school language.

Parents often assume that their children fully understand a text because they are able to “perfectly” read it phonetically. But do they really understand the meaning of all the words?

At the beginning, many parents think that their children are “fluent in a few weeks”, but fact is that children first of all learn the phonetics. They simply repeat the sound chains. So, for example, they would be able to say “Good morning”, “Thank you”, “May I have… please” very quickly. But only when they use a broader spectrum of sentences with similar words they will be able to understand that for example, “good” can be combined with “morning” , “evening”, “job”, “girl”, “boy” etc. Very slowly they will divide those sound chains into actual words and morphemes.

Many parents stop helping their children acquire new words once they start reading, thinking that it will all happen by itself. But it doesn’t. Children (and adults) who learn a new language are constantly working on their vocabulary, learning new words and learning that the same term can be used in different contexts, that its meaning can change. It is by using this new vocabulary regularly that it will be used with more confidence and that our children become more competent in the language.

It takes children from 5 to 9/10 years to catch up on monolingual peers language-wise.

Therefore, when we send our children to a school where they’ll be immersed into another language the whole day, we’ll need to support them process what they’ve learned at home by using our family languages.

When our children come home with a book to read aloud, our task is to question them about the text. Asking them to paraphrase the text is a great way to understand whether they understand the plot or not, engaging in a real conversation, taking turns, and asking more will help them to better learn.

We can ask them to find other words, synonyms for words that may be more difficult. –Obviously, in order to do this we should have a great proficiency in the school language too! – But what if this is not the case?

Many parents struggle with this and I know that some take extra language lessons in order to be able to help their children at school.

But if one doesn’t have the time to do so, or finds it really hard to catch up with the language, my advice is to try to find other words in the family language and if the child asks for more synonyms in the school language, don’t hesitate to use the dictionary.

I know many parents who improved their languages by learning alongside their children. I am one of them. I learned Dutch alongside my children and am fluent now in my speech and writing, and I am improving my Spanish skills thanks to my children who are learning it now, so, there is no time limit or excuse to learn or improve a language…

What seems very logical and relatively easy for fostering literacy in some subjects, it becomes more complex for other disciplines. (see part 2 soon)